final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
