The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
