we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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