i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
