i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this boner is exhausting
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
