I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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