Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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