you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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