Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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