Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
