Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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