another moral hangover. fuck.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
