I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
