i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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