He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
