I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
