she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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