Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
