So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
