A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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