The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm really busy with my period
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