Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm always down for nudity.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
