it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
