Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
