the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize