Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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