Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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