Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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