Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
