her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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