We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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