The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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