sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
pray to the hookup gods
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
