I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
