hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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