Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
