Plan B is the new Plan A
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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