...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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