I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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