when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
