i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
