Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
