Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
