Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
