Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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