I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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