Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
