i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
