Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
