Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
