I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
