My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
