I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
