Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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