I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
