Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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