my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
