My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
