Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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