Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
