After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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