There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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