finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
