I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We need to get me chipped asap
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
