No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
