His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
